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Literature Text
He looked like a man who spent his days on the sea,
The man from San Diego.
He was away so long, he wore pants from 1970,
The man from San Diego.
He traveled to Time Square this day,
The man from San Diego,
Because his daughter was away,
Away from San Diego.
New York, New York, it called her so,
That she decided she would go,
To the city to see a show,
A Broadway play she’d never seen,
She wanted to be a rebellious teen,
So she left without telling her father the scene,
Of her leaving San Diego.
It drove him mad,
He was too sad,
“Hopefully this makes my daughter glad,
For once she is back in her home,
She’ll never see outside San Diego.”
Girl of 16,
Drama queen,
This is all that she had seen.
This is all that she had seen outside of San Diego.
Her father she cursed,
She wished him worst,
He was so mad he turned and cursed,
Yelled to the empty buildings staring
At the man from San Diego.
“Here it’s light while it’s dark,
Like a confused firefly in the park,
You shan’t make me miss my mark,
Hear me, the man from San Diego!
You sit there and laugh,
But keep in mind,
This city I shall tear in half,
Until my daughter I shall find,
And bring her to San Diego!
I’ve said it once; I’ve said it twice,
If I must I’ll say it thrice,
I pray you, help me, merciful Christ,
Help me find the girl from San Diego!
I will not sleep,
For how I weep,
How darkness in my mind will seep,
How I will fall and crawl and creep,
To find the girl from San Diego.
Like a dog,
Blinded by smog,
Tripping over many a nonexistent log,
I’ll drink water from a bog,
Before I give up on the girl from San Diego!”
Just then she ran,
Toward her old man,
But she didn’t take the time to scan,
The street, so she was hit by a Caravan,
Far from San Diego.
He cried like a banshee,
The darkness surrounded he,
No longer a father he would be,
He must now drink his sorrows on the sea,
The man from San Diego.
The man from San Diego.
He was away so long, he wore pants from 1970,
The man from San Diego.
He traveled to Time Square this day,
The man from San Diego,
Because his daughter was away,
Away from San Diego.
New York, New York, it called her so,
That she decided she would go,
To the city to see a show,
A Broadway play she’d never seen,
She wanted to be a rebellious teen,
So she left without telling her father the scene,
Of her leaving San Diego.
It drove him mad,
He was too sad,
“Hopefully this makes my daughter glad,
For once she is back in her home,
She’ll never see outside San Diego.”
Girl of 16,
Drama queen,
This is all that she had seen.
This is all that she had seen outside of San Diego.
Her father she cursed,
She wished him worst,
He was so mad he turned and cursed,
Yelled to the empty buildings staring
At the man from San Diego.
“Here it’s light while it’s dark,
Like a confused firefly in the park,
You shan’t make me miss my mark,
Hear me, the man from San Diego!
You sit there and laugh,
But keep in mind,
This city I shall tear in half,
Until my daughter I shall find,
And bring her to San Diego!
I’ve said it once; I’ve said it twice,
If I must I’ll say it thrice,
I pray you, help me, merciful Christ,
Help me find the girl from San Diego!
I will not sleep,
For how I weep,
How darkness in my mind will seep,
How I will fall and crawl and creep,
To find the girl from San Diego.
Like a dog,
Blinded by smog,
Tripping over many a nonexistent log,
I’ll drink water from a bog,
Before I give up on the girl from San Diego!”
Just then she ran,
Toward her old man,
But she didn’t take the time to scan,
The street, so she was hit by a Caravan,
Far from San Diego.
He cried like a banshee,
The darkness surrounded he,
No longer a father he would be,
He must now drink his sorrows on the sea,
The man from San Diego.
![[OPEN] ADOPT AI WORK - Concept of Tavern Service](https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/25ef7027-0b92-4901-80b1-dc4ed8ece374/dh0j7bz-9ce76215-386f-4be4-9c9a-4c099ebb3fa1.png/v1/fill/w_350,h_350,q_70,strp/_open__adopt_ai_work___concept_of_tavern_service_by_irgweg_dh0j7bz-350t.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.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.86p3iYj7_fthRQiJg_s_FxLPMBQ37CRaxSSoEBej4go)
I wrote this for English class last year. We had to look at a picture and write something about it, and I got a Sailor looking confused in Time Square. This is the poem that came out of it. Enjoy.
© 2004 - 2024 SoLaCePaRoXySM
Comments3
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The rapid yet lingering rhythm one finds in a ballad is different from what can be created in free verse or any form of fixed poetry. Telling this story as a ballad was a good choice. You wrote this particular piece with facility, making it a good read, but I’m not here only for the design. There are some aspects that you could still work on, so let me point them out.
“‘Hopefully this makes my daughter glad,
For once she is back in her home,
She’ll never see outside San Diego.’
Girl of 16,
Drama queen,
This is all that she had seen.
This is all that she had seen outside of San Diego.
Her father she cursed,
She wished him worst,
He was so mad he turned and cursed,
Yelled to the empty buildings staring
At the man from San Diego.”
Let’s examine the passage as a whole. As I said some lines ago, the story is narrated quickly, but the reader follows its events with ease. At least, until he or she reads this part. First, the character is talking to himself while searching for his daughter. Then, you insert the girl in the narrative and there is an argument between the two. Now the reader is puzzled, feeling that he or she missed something. Had father and daughter met in New York before she was hit by a car? The passage gets all the more confusing when the man starts to monologue. His speech seems to prove that he hasn’t found his daughter yet. So, the questions remain: when and where did their argument happen? For what reason?
“This is all that she had seen.
This is all that she had seen outside of San Diego.”
The entire story is narrated using verbs in the past tense, but in the middle of it, you wrote two sentences in the present. Since these sentences aren’t a part of any speech, they create a certain incongruity. Trading “this is” for “this was” solves the problem.
“Her father she cursed,
She wished him worst,
He was so mad he turned and cursed,”
There is a repetition here that seemed to me quite accidental; replacing the word “cursed” with a synonym would be a good idea.
“He cried like a banshee,
The darkness surrounded he,”
I believe the correct sentence would be “The darkness surrounded him”, because the man from San Diego is an object, not a subject. I suggest that you use the passive voice (“Surrounded by darkness was he”) or something of the likes to keep rhyming.
Thank you for using ~WeCritique. Do tell me if you need further help with this piece.
“‘Hopefully this makes my daughter glad,
For once she is back in her home,
She’ll never see outside San Diego.’
Girl of 16,
Drama queen,
This is all that she had seen.
This is all that she had seen outside of San Diego.
Her father she cursed,
She wished him worst,
He was so mad he turned and cursed,
Yelled to the empty buildings staring
At the man from San Diego.”
Let’s examine the passage as a whole. As I said some lines ago, the story is narrated quickly, but the reader follows its events with ease. At least, until he or she reads this part. First, the character is talking to himself while searching for his daughter. Then, you insert the girl in the narrative and there is an argument between the two. Now the reader is puzzled, feeling that he or she missed something. Had father and daughter met in New York before she was hit by a car? The passage gets all the more confusing when the man starts to monologue. His speech seems to prove that he hasn’t found his daughter yet. So, the questions remain: when and where did their argument happen? For what reason?
“This is all that she had seen.
This is all that she had seen outside of San Diego.”
The entire story is narrated using verbs in the past tense, but in the middle of it, you wrote two sentences in the present. Since these sentences aren’t a part of any speech, they create a certain incongruity. Trading “this is” for “this was” solves the problem.
“Her father she cursed,
She wished him worst,
He was so mad he turned and cursed,”
There is a repetition here that seemed to me quite accidental; replacing the word “cursed” with a synonym would be a good idea.
“He cried like a banshee,
The darkness surrounded he,”
I believe the correct sentence would be “The darkness surrounded him”, because the man from San Diego is an object, not a subject. I suggest that you use the passive voice (“Surrounded by darkness was he”) or something of the likes to keep rhyming.
Thank you for using ~WeCritique. Do tell me if you need further help with this piece.